Underestimated tendencies

for real

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 05:25:36 GMT

i wanted it more than anything
and i let it slip through m fingers.
no im not talking about Stu.

im done hurting people who mean little to nothing to me.
when i know what i want
ill worry about caring about what other people want.
the end.

forreal last entry
add my new journal.
beautifuldusk

[Unknown LJ tag]

waiting for stu's call?

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 06:12:16 GMT

this is going to be my last entry this journal.
please proceed to add my new one.
i will add the people i want.
if i dont add you
ask to be added.
the end
thanks.
beautifuldusk

i feel burnt.
patty is passed out on the couch and missing a phone call right now
i dont know how she doesnt hear it ringing.

i want Stu to stay in miami more than anything right now.
i dont know where or when it happened, but i like him.
i just dont know if ill be able to deal with the distance
orlando is pretty far.
sigh, this was so sudden and unexpected, but nice.
nice to feel something...something concrete.
i dont want to treat him the way i do the others.
i dont want him to feel like he has something to prove
i dont want to treat him like he doesnt deserve me
i dont want to push him away when i feel he's getting too close
i want to give this a real chance
instead of running scared
theres just something so strong drawing me to him.
but why does he have to live in orlando?!
i want him here with me now. cuz for some reason, i feel safe with him.
when he just let me rest my head on his lap, and he gently touched my hair and kissed my forehead
i felt like i was exactly where i wanted to be.
and if this doesnt make it.
then itll just be another lessoned learned
and another brick in my wall.
but i am optimistic.
cuz he makes me smile.

OH and everyone should really go download the song "guardian angel" by the red jumpsuit aparatus, it really is beautiful.
like life right now =]

hmmm.

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 06:18:14 GMT

I have to be awake in 4 hours or so. I really need to try and get more sleep. Whatever. Remember when I said that I knew my happy-go-lucky feeling would fade in a few days? Yeah, it did. Now I'm back to my same old apathetic self. I laugh when something is funny, and smile when something makes me happy, but it all kinda feels empty. I know I sound like a stupid emo kid right now, but I don't know how to feel any other way. I have fantastic people surrounding me and in my life, and I appreciate it greatly. I was writing in my real journal today, and I wrote something about even my best friends not really knowing me completely, and thats a bit sad. The people who understand me the most aren't even really in my life anymore. Maybe I pushed them away for that reason, they got too close....it's really not healthy to close yourself in all the time, and I really try to at least people in a little bit, but my sub-concious just kicks in and fucks it up. I don't think I'll ever have a healthy relationship with anyone, or friendship for that matter.

I just want something[or someone] that could make this emptiness go away. God, that sounds sooooooooooo ridiculous. Lol. I have to laugh at myself. Maybe I'm just fucking crazy and think way too much about shit.

Oh and I think I could listen to
Underoath - they're only chasing safety
Against me! - as the eternal cowboy
Taking back sunday - where you want to be
Joss Stone - the Soul sessions
& Deathcab for cutie - Plans

for the rest of my life, and be okay :D

EDIT: I hate my hair right now, and I feel really shallow for saying it. I'm really not insecure about the way I look but for some reason today, I hate my hair. And, why is it that people always want what they know they can never have? Even if I tried it'd be a failed attempt, and then I'd just feel really dumb for trying. Or maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. Fuck this, I'm going to sleep.

i just wanna believe

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 09:56:40 GMT

alex & damien just left my [new]house an hour or so ago.
it was so great
im so scared
this might really be something
but i cant help but smile
alot

this weekend

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 18:57:50 GMT

was the best weekend i've had in a long time
i missed my family so much, and by family i mean patty's. :D

I sat on the balcony last night and just listened to the waves.
all i could see was the ocean, and even though it felt like the world was spinning
it was a happy spin.

i'm so thankful to have people in my life like i do.
if i didnt i'd probably kill myself.
eveything happens for a reason
and i'm happy.

i cant wait to be pattys moms age, and doing this with her and our kids.
getting away from the husbands
giving our teenage daughters alchohol
and laughing the night away.

btw, i really do love you alyssa
i know i dont show it as much as i do others
but i hope one day you realize how beautiful you are
inside and out
i just want the best for you
and i sincerely enjoy your company
and our good times<3

so its been a while.

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 02:46:56 GMT

I know its been awhile guys. Me without a computer or Patty's house has left me dead to whoever actually reads this. I got a job at Sun Surveys, and I've been there for like 2 months. Its pretty chillen, and really the perfect job for me right now. I got a new cell phone with a new number so those who dont have it who want it hollerr. Since I started at Sun Surveys I haven't been doing much but working. The past shows I've been to have made me realize how dumb the "scene" is and how much I hate the people in it. There's just a time to grow up.

I know your itching to know about my love life. Well, as usually there hasn't been much of one. Me and Danny are just friends for real now. whatfever, I'm better off. After him I didn't really want anything...Then, I met someone. Things are very iffy right now. It's been a couple weeks now that we've been hanging out and getting to know each other so we'll see if anything comes to be something. He makes me happy, and I'm comfortable and at peace when I'm around him. I'm not expecting much, but we'll just have to see.

My friends have really pulled through with me these past couple months. Having my back no matter what, and I couldn't love them anymore. They know who the are so I'm not going to put a pointless shoutout list.

My birthday is in 10 days, and I'm turning 19. It feels surreal. I've grown so much, and learned so much, and the experiances I've had have been memorable...But, I think I'm ready to move foward with my life finally. I want to settle down, become more independant and move out. I need a change. I want stability. My family life sucks complete ass, and my sister is the only thing that keeps me sane in that house, but when she's not there I can't take it.

I've become a real asshole lately. Seriouslt, Idk. and honestly I don't care. I've realized who's important to me and who's not and of your not. Fuck that, I hope you die. People in general make me sick, and I'd rather just hit every dumb bitch in the face with a baseball bat than have to look at them,,and hear their shit. I'm back to the way I was like a year ago. No one is going to see me sweat, or make me for that matter.

Well, Since I won't be updating for awhile, hope this gave you some insight to what I'm up to. If anything holler at a bitch. Love.

Sun, 14 May 2006 06:41:31 GMT

im just unhappy.
the end.

fhajfkhajf

Mon, 01 May 2006 01:15:24 GMT

addd
dirrtywordss

NEW LJ

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:55:11 GMT

dirrtywordss

HOLLA.

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 13:31:10 GMT

FRIENDS ONLY!
Rules:
1) comment
2) don't diss my friends
3) more impotantly, don't diss me
4) comment to be added
5) no shit talking
6) leave the drama
7) respect
8) dont like me ? dont add me.
9) no promos - unless i say its okay.
10) don't impose your opinions. its my life.
11) enjoyy :)

♥♥♥♥♥